NIH

On monday, i had the distinct honor of traveling around the beltway in morning rush-hour traffic (read: NASCAR at slightly higher speeds) to go to one of my favorite places in the world, NIH. Many believe that NIH is a snazzy acronym for "National Institute of Health," but i am sure that is a mistake. My experiences have taught me that NIH stands for "Neal's Institute of Humor." Why do i say that? well here is a brief account of a recent experience i had there:

i was participating in a study studying something, but i have no idea what. anyway, they sat me down in a comfy chair, hooked up a little clip to my eyelid (at this point i started getting suspicious), and said: "if this hurts, please tells us."

oooooh shoot, perhaps i should have read the fine print on that 20 pg waver i signed.

well, i'm pretty tough kid, so i say: do your worst! ...and immediately regretted it. why? cuz they zapped me. i'm not kidding, they literally zapped my eyelid with electricity.

at first it wasn't too bad, and i said as much. he responded to my heroic display of manliness by promptly cranking up the voltage. when he zapped me again, i literally jumped out of my chair and may or may not have omitted a manly scream.

"did that hurt?"

"no not at all"

"ok, i'm going to zap you like that once ever 20 seconds for the next 15 minutes."

"ok i lied. that hurt like the dickens. turn it down."

...after 15 minutes of zapping, i was released and i high-tailed it for the door. unfortunately, NIH is enormous and i had no clue where i was and even more no clue where the front door was. after a couple of random turns (decided by playing eni, meani, miney, mo...) i ended up in the middle of a childrens hospital receiving a variety of curious stares from nurses, doctors, and dinosaur murals.

So, with memories of that lovely experience in mind, i went to bed last sunday, knowing my alarm clock was going to explode bright and early.

BANG*BANG*BANG*BANG (roughly the sound of my alarm at 5:45am)

"cccccripes! why.the.duece did i agree to this?"

after coming in third in the Grand Beltway NASCAR Cup (i lost to a mercedes and a cheater who used the HOV lane) i arrived at NIH.

"good morning sir, please drive down that road and park in the garage"
...
"ummm, sir, you drove down the wrong road"

"yeah...my bad, it's early."

after parking, i had to get on a shuttle. and i definitely cut in line in front of a really old lady. a total accident, but still probably the most ungentlemanly thing i've ever done.

after finally getting to where i was supposed to be, i had to fill out a questionnaire. a sampling of the questions:

"how tired is your right hand right now?"
my answer: well, i only worked out my left hand muscles at the gym last night, so i should be ok.
"are you feeling ambitions"
my answer: that's a stupid question.
"how much wood can a woodchuck chuck"
my answer: you have got to be kidding me.

they were then kind enough to teach me how to do the test that i would complete every morning for the whole week. i almost cried...it was the most boring thing i had ever done. i had to squeeze a little gizmo a bazillion times while sitting very still. and there was a wet sponge on my head which dripped water down the side of my face. the doctor would wipe the water off for me occasionally, and wow, did i feel like a baby--i'm sitting in high chair, i'm squeezing a stupid squeeze thing, i have a sponge on my head, and someone is wiping a mess off my face.

after i finished, i needed to go down to the main lobby and get a picture ID made. this lobby was big. there were chairs on one side, and the ID station was on the other side, and since the ID lady wasn't there yet, i sat down on one of the chairs. she then showed up, so i promptly walked across the big lobby:

click*clack*click*clack (the beating of my heart...haha jk, the sound of my footsteps echoing all over the lobby.)

"hi, i need an ID badge."
"hi, i need you to go sit down and wait for a minute."

click*clack*click*clack

(approaximently 3 seconds later) "ok sir, i'm ready, come on over"

click*clack*click*clack

"sir, please sit down and fill out this form"

click*clack*click*clack

"allrighty, i filled out your form."

"thank you"

*alkward*silence*

"well, do i get my badge now?"

"no, please sit down so i can take your picture"

click*clack*click*clack

"excuse me sir, that's the wrong chair, please sit in the chair next to my desk"

"cripes"

click*clack*click*clack

"smile for the camera"

"no"

"what?"

"i'm doing a jason bourne ID badge. no smiling"

"what??"

"long story."

...now, those of you who are exceptionally bright will recall that i took a shuttle from security to my testing building. after exiting the building (i may or may not have been skipping), i was faced with three shuttle bus options. after playing eni, meani, miney, mo again, i choose the first shuttle:

"no"
"what?"
"no, no, no"
"is this the shuttle?"
"no"
"but i'm pretty sure it is"
"no, no, no, no"
"but it said 'shuttle' on the side of it"
*awkward silence/angry stare*
"ok, i'm going to get of your shuttle"


after getting off the shuttle, i realized that it was indeed a shuttle...but it shuttled people to BWI airport. and i didn't particularly enjoy my last trip to BWI, so i was glad to have been "no, no, no-ed" off by the driver.

and my luck with shuttle number two wasn't much better. i was promptly shoo-ed off.
shuttle three got me to the gate.

yes, 'twas a lovely morning at NIH: Neal's Institute for Humor.