NIH

On monday, i had the distinct honor of traveling around the beltway in morning rush-hour traffic (read: NASCAR at slightly higher speeds) to go to one of my favorite places in the world, NIH. Many believe that NIH is a snazzy acronym for "National Institute of Health," but i am sure that is a mistake. My experiences have taught me that NIH stands for "Neal's Institute of Humor." Why do i say that? well here is a brief account of a recent experience i had there:

i was participating in a study studying something, but i have no idea what. anyway, they sat me down in a comfy chair, hooked up a little clip to my eyelid (at this point i started getting suspicious), and said: "if this hurts, please tells us."

oooooh shoot, perhaps i should have read the fine print on that 20 pg waver i signed.

well, i'm pretty tough kid, so i say: do your worst! ...and immediately regretted it. why? cuz they zapped me. i'm not kidding, they literally zapped my eyelid with electricity.

at first it wasn't too bad, and i said as much. he responded to my heroic display of manliness by promptly cranking up the voltage. when he zapped me again, i literally jumped out of my chair and may or may not have omitted a manly scream.

"did that hurt?"

"no not at all"

"ok, i'm going to zap you like that once ever 20 seconds for the next 15 minutes."

"ok i lied. that hurt like the dickens. turn it down."

...after 15 minutes of zapping, i was released and i high-tailed it for the door. unfortunately, NIH is enormous and i had no clue where i was and even more no clue where the front door was. after a couple of random turns (decided by playing eni, meani, miney, mo...) i ended up in the middle of a childrens hospital receiving a variety of curious stares from nurses, doctors, and dinosaur murals.

So, with memories of that lovely experience in mind, i went to bed last sunday, knowing my alarm clock was going to explode bright and early.

BANG*BANG*BANG*BANG (roughly the sound of my alarm at 5:45am)

"cccccripes! why.the.duece did i agree to this?"

after coming in third in the Grand Beltway NASCAR Cup (i lost to a mercedes and a cheater who used the HOV lane) i arrived at NIH.

"good morning sir, please drive down that road and park in the garage"
...
"ummm, sir, you drove down the wrong road"

"yeah...my bad, it's early."

after parking, i had to get on a shuttle. and i definitely cut in line in front of a really old lady. a total accident, but still probably the most ungentlemanly thing i've ever done.

after finally getting to where i was supposed to be, i had to fill out a questionnaire. a sampling of the questions:

"how tired is your right hand right now?"
my answer: well, i only worked out my left hand muscles at the gym last night, so i should be ok.
"are you feeling ambitions"
my answer: that's a stupid question.
"how much wood can a woodchuck chuck"
my answer: you have got to be kidding me.

they were then kind enough to teach me how to do the test that i would complete every morning for the whole week. i almost cried...it was the most boring thing i had ever done. i had to squeeze a little gizmo a bazillion times while sitting very still. and there was a wet sponge on my head which dripped water down the side of my face. the doctor would wipe the water off for me occasionally, and wow, did i feel like a baby--i'm sitting in high chair, i'm squeezing a stupid squeeze thing, i have a sponge on my head, and someone is wiping a mess off my face.

after i finished, i needed to go down to the main lobby and get a picture ID made. this lobby was big. there were chairs on one side, and the ID station was on the other side, and since the ID lady wasn't there yet, i sat down on one of the chairs. she then showed up, so i promptly walked across the big lobby:

click*clack*click*clack (the beating of my heart...haha jk, the sound of my footsteps echoing all over the lobby.)

"hi, i need an ID badge."
"hi, i need you to go sit down and wait for a minute."

click*clack*click*clack

(approaximently 3 seconds later) "ok sir, i'm ready, come on over"

click*clack*click*clack

"sir, please sit down and fill out this form"

click*clack*click*clack

"allrighty, i filled out your form."

"thank you"

*alkward*silence*

"well, do i get my badge now?"

"no, please sit down so i can take your picture"

click*clack*click*clack

"excuse me sir, that's the wrong chair, please sit in the chair next to my desk"

"cripes"

click*clack*click*clack

"smile for the camera"

"no"

"what?"

"i'm doing a jason bourne ID badge. no smiling"

"what??"

"long story."

...now, those of you who are exceptionally bright will recall that i took a shuttle from security to my testing building. after exiting the building (i may or may not have been skipping), i was faced with three shuttle bus options. after playing eni, meani, miney, mo again, i choose the first shuttle:

"no"
"what?"
"no, no, no"
"is this the shuttle?"
"no"
"but i'm pretty sure it is"
"no, no, no, no"
"but it said 'shuttle' on the side of it"
*awkward silence/angry stare*
"ok, i'm going to get of your shuttle"


after getting off the shuttle, i realized that it was indeed a shuttle...but it shuttled people to BWI airport. and i didn't particularly enjoy my last trip to BWI, so i was glad to have been "no, no, no-ed" off by the driver.

and my luck with shuttle number two wasn't much better. i was promptly shoo-ed off.
shuttle three got me to the gate.

yes, 'twas a lovely morning at NIH: Neal's Institute for Humor.

just wanted to share this with you. this was the taco bell sign at the intersection of munchaster mill rd and 124. the sign originally read "now hiring closers."
This is the sign after my modifications.


its amazing what a random mind and a sheet of blue construction paper can accomplish :)

so the good news first. its high time for a second post! oh boy! and now for the bad news which really isn't that bad. Nothing super awkward or unusually embarrassing has happened to me in the almost 2 weeks since the blog launched. so today i am forced to dredge up a random story. also i thought i would just put up some random funny stuff.

It all happened about a month ago...

it was a normal tuesday, and i set out for the mall (aka. a guys worst nightmare). i knew exactly what i wanted, a new pair of shoes, however i was almost sure i would get either:

A) lost
B) distracted and end up in the massaging chairs at brookstone
or C) park on the opposite end of the building from the store i wanted.

luckily for me none of these things happened! moreover i found exactly the shoe i wanted and the size i wanted immediately. now here comes the good part: as i was walking toward the register to pay, a catchy song came over the radio. i really don't remember what it was but i do remember it had a high harmony part.....uugh

naturally i started singing the high part absentmindedly and continued to do so loudly until i was about 10 feet from the cashier. not im not sure what made me snap out of it, but it might have had something to do with the bewildered look on the cashier's face. i realized it was time to do damage control so i walked up to him and said in an extraordinarily deep voice, "Sup man". He gave me the weirdest look, almost if he was trying to decide whether or not he had been hearing things. score! i was in the clear! so i quickly paid for my shoes and quickly left the store trying desperately not to burst out laughing.


let the randomness begin



Help us find steve!







just in case any of you haven't seen this.

hope you enjoyed these random moments :)

hi, thanks for reading our blog. i have no idea why your reading this (i wouldn't read it if i wasn't writing it...) but, thanks anyway. we'll try to make it worth your time (ok, that's a lie).

many of these stories are based off of the merry adventures of David and Neal. in case of chinese spies reading this, we're going to refer to ourselves using the following code names: dsav (you guessed it, that's David's code name) and neal (you guessed it, that's Neal's code name. we've made the first letter of his name under case, which we're sure will fool the chinese... or at least the french).

hopefully many of these stories will be funny...but be warned: if you don't think the story is funny, that's your fault, not ours. deal with it.

if you would like to contact us (for autographs, photos, to buy us lunch, to give us money... or to have dsav clean your bathroom) please email us. our secretary (any volunteers??) will get back to you.

so you are asking yourself: why the heck am i here and why would i ever read this blog again??? well i'll tell you why! because our "merry adventures" are full of comedic moments not to mention hilarious, shocking, and consistently embarrassing stories about our random lives. Hopefully you'll all enjoy the ride.