Shopping

So this being an awkward humor blog and all I decided to devote another post to one of the most awkward of situations.

Thats right my friends shopping! I am not skilled at shopping, Clothes shopping specifically. Embarrassing or otherwise funny things usually happen when I go so I don’t mind it so much but I don’t do it often and usually try to keep it as short as possible.

On this particular glorious day, I was at dicks sporting goods looking at their under armor stuff. I say stuff because it used to be when you said under armor you meant, skintight spandex, but now they have everything from shoes to hoodies to backpacks. I wouldn’t be surprised if they came out with an under armor wallet! Well actually I might. Anyway before continuing you have to know something about my unique shopping technique.

I wander. Mostly aimlessly, although I usually start out near the area I want, I normally have only a vague idea of what I am there for. So I try not to spend much time looking at one thing. Mostly because I don’t want to be asked multiple times by a sales associate if they can help me find anything. No they can't, I have no clue I want them to direct me to! So I wander. Anyway back to under armor.

I was meandering around the sock department which is close to the under armor dept. I saw a package of socks, they looked like good socks, so I turned them over and started reading the back. Now I guess I was completely absorbed in reading the socks package because when I looked up there was this little African American lady and her kids standing unusually close to me. Close as in less than 5 inches. I thought to myself. “Hmm this is odd I guess she really like socks, or doesn’t care much for personal space.” So I put the socks back.

It all happened so fast!

One minute I am replacing the socks on the rack, the next thing I know she is jumping out of her skin her kids are screaming! Here are her exact words “OH MY GOSH I THOUGHT YOU WERE A MANAQUIN!”

!!!

I thought this was extremely funny especially since all the mannequins in dicks look like Olympic weight lifters, and I do not.

Needless to say we both ended up laughing about it and it makes a good story

well, today my big bro got married... good times. below is the little "speech" i gave at the rehearsal dinner last night. it's funny if you know kurt and I.

My friends regularly ask me (usually in a jealous manner), “what’s it like to be Kurt’s little brother?”

Well, tonight I’d like to answer that question.

In a word, it’s tough!!!

You see, all little brothers have this intense God-given desire to follow their big brother around and do everything that he does…

…and not only do we want to do everything that he does, but we also want to do everything BETTER than he does. So, ever since I could walk, I’ve been following Kurt everywhere.

_____________

Take sports, for example… I’ve chased him onto soccer fields, golf courses, basketball courts, and tennis courts.

On the soccer field, I discovered (to my great dismay) that God didn’t gift me with Kurt’s lightning quickness and killer instinct which enabled him to score like a million goals during his senior season. So I decided to become a slow defensive mid-fielder who specialized in passing the ball to all the super-speedy people like Kurt.

On the golf course, I discovered that Kurt’s phenomenally-large biceps enabled him to hit golf balls about 2 miles, whereas my phenomenally-small biceps helped me become a terrific putter.

On the basketball court, I discovered that….well, I discovered that kurt was really good, and I was just really bad, so I didn’t even try to be as good as him in that sport.

But lastly, on the tennis court, I found the Great Kurt And Neal Equalizer. You see, Kurt could hit the fluff off of little tennis balls, but, to my great delight, his Andy Roddick-speed shots rarely went in!!! So, I decided to make tennis my sport. I still can’t beat him in singles, but occasionally I can win in doubles…

_____________

Sports isn’t the only thing I tried to do as well as him. I’ve also tried to follow him in the area of money-earning.

Well, as most of you probably know, I’ve been losing pretty badly in this area. It all began one innocent spring day when he was 8, and I was 6. Kurt came up to me and said something like…

“Hey Neal, do you want to go find people in the neighborhood who will pay us to cut their grass.”

I promptly responded: “heck no, I’m only 6, all I want to do is play with Legos.”

Kurt was persistent though, and said: “oh come on man, we need to start earning and saving money up for a gym membership, a car, clothes, college, a girlfriend, an engagement ring, a honeymoon, a house, and …retirement!”

I promptly informed kurt that mom and dad would buy all that stuff for me… but he didn’t seem to think they would. Well, apparently kurt was on to something with his “earning and saving” plan… and I think he’s on track to retire in about 3 years.

________

On a more serious note, I’ve also attempted to follow Kurt as he followed his Savior.

At times, Kurt’s movement toward Jesus was a little slow, but it never stopped, and today I’m very happy to say that he’s running after his Savior in a dead sprint.

Be it consistent quiet times, scripture memorization, passionate worship, genuine fellowship, or faithful service at church, my big brother is setting an example for me that I’m sure I won’t be able to fully follow (although I’ll certainly try my hardest).

Colossians 3:23 tells Christians to work hard at everything they do, and in the past few years, Kurt has been working hard at the things of the Lord and the fruit of his efforts are easy to see.

__________


There’s only one area that I haven’t yet got a chance to follow Kurt in, and that’s in the area of pursuing and marrying a young lady. But when my time comes, I know that I’ll do well if I win a girl with half the godly character and beauty of Naomi.

Kurt, as incredible as you are, you really don’t deserve her. But since she has agreed to be your wife, please spend the rest of your life loving her, caring for her, leading her, serving her, and sacrificing for her just as Christ loved his church so much that he was willing to hang on a cross for it.


__________

You two are champs, and I eagerly look forward to seeing the grace God pours out upon your marriage.

skit script

dear loyal blog readers:
after many, many, many requests for a new post (if we had hired a sectary, i'm sure she would have been literally flooded with emails and calls and texts and snail mail and air mail and twitters and jitters), i present the script to a little skit the kg men put on a few days ago. unfortunately, many of you won't understand any of the jokes. sorry about that, but take my word for it--it's funny.

this brilliance was written by ultra-multi-super-amazingly-talented young joshua cooper, son of brad cooper, who is one of the coolest men on the planet (and a phenominal dishwasher...). young joshua was born in 1989 in fredrick, maryland, and currently resides in fredrick, maryland where he does many amazing things all day long in fredrick, maryland. and he has two rooms all to himself. lucky.

the creative humor was provided by a panel of humor experts, including dsav, dresav, and myself. all of the events alluded to in the skit are true (to some degree). especially that part about bryce's cheesburgers.

and, if any pastor happens to read this, i'd like to say that the average kg men's meeting isn't like the two discribed in the skit. you'll be glad to know that they're usually even funnier & crazier. especially when young bosdosh shows up and decides to talk. good heavens he says some crazy stuff...

dsav will hopefully add some of his own thoughts later...

annnnd, without further stallling, i present the Great Christmas Party Skit:



CHARACTERS

Steve: played by Josh
Neal: played by Steve
DSav: played by Bryce
Josh: played by Dre
Dre: played by DSav
Bryce: played by Neal

Note: the name before each line is the name of the character, not the actor
Other Note: the lines in italics are cues, not to be spoken at all.

ACT 1

Bryce: Good evening ladies. We submit for your approval, a summation of the past several weeks, and the events leading up to this very party. We begin out sketch at a KG mens meeting.

(Neal walks in, sits down)

Neal: ugh why am I always the first one here

(Dre, DSav, and Josh enter talking)

Dre: alright guys so here’s the deal, we’re gonna throw a Christmas dinner party for the girls. We’ll serve food, entertain and its gonna be awesome.

Neal: uhm question… how much is this gonna cost?

Josh: Neal, don’t be that guy.

(Steve enters, looking back through the door as he speaks)

Steve: Don’t worry Steph, I’ll be back in like four hours. No Steph it’ll be fine just leave the windows rolled down a little. No I can’t give you the keys. Ugh.

Others: AHHH stevie wonder, look who showed up, ect.

DSav: Dude where were you?

Steve: Oh I was hunting all day today. I shot this 12 point bear, it was awesome. And I caddied too. Made like 600 bucks off this one guy….

Josh: OK first off, bear do not have antlers. Second off, were you hunting or caddying?

Steve: I was doing both at the same time. While golfing.

DSav: What kinda gun do you have

Steve: 12 gague. How about you:

DSav: I’ve got a (goes on for many sentences of technical jargon) It’s my new casual hobby.

Neal: Guys can we please focus.

Dre: Yeah so anyway, I’ll send out invitations. And keep this a secret, the girls don’t know about it yet. Except Becca, I told Becca.

Steve: Wait, who’s Becca?

Josh: Really steve? Really?

(others sigh and shake heads in disapproval)

Dre: So anyway, I’ll print out nice invitations.

Steve: Invitations? Why don’t we just do mouth-to-mouth?

(silence)

Neal: What the deuce…

DSav: Uhm, Steve, did you mean word of mouth?

Josh: Wow. Uhm so I think we should do real invitations, its more classy. We don’t want this party to be average (hand motion)

Neal: uhm question… how much is this gonna cost?

DSav: (fast, typical dsav style) Neal don’t worry about it. I think I should be the chef. We’ll do a chicken alfredo with a nice sauce, and we can do asparagus, I can do asparagus really well, it’ll be awesome, and we’ll get some soup, some Italian wedding soup is really good, no it is, and a nice ceasar salad, with a good creamy dressing, and we can do some French bread with olive oil dipping sauce, and some sparkling cider, it’ll be really good, I promise. No I know how to do this stuff, it’ll be good.

Dre: OOOK, apparently dsav is cooking.

Josh: I think we should get a limo

Others: oh yess, score, ect.

Neal: how much is this gonna cost?

Steve: I know the guy who owns the second largest limo company in the country. He’s friends with Michael Jordan, I caddied for them once, I’ll get one from him.

Dre: AAAAllllright you get on that. So Dsav’s cooking, josh is providing the venue and entertainment, I’ll put neal and bryce on dinner conversation, and steve says he’ll get a limo. Great.

DSav: A limo, this is gonna be sick! I can’t belive we’re doing this!

Dre: I can’t believe it’s not butter.

(silence)

Josh: Really dre?

(freeze, Steve holds up a sign that says “later, at an admin meeting” scene shifts to Neal, Bryce and Josh talking)

ACT 2

Bryce: (pulls josh and neal aside) Man these girls seem to be really excited about some party, what’s going on?

Neal: The KG guys are having a Christmas dinner party. We’re planning the whole thing. AAaaand I’m delegating the entire job of dinner conversation over to you.

Bryce: MMMmmkay. (classic bryce laugh) And why are we inviting all these random people like Josh and Steve and Julie and Liz. They’re not even in our caregroup.

Josh: UUuuhm yes they are.

Bryce: What? Are you serious? Dude, I had no idea.

Neal: You should come to caregroup more often.

Bryce: Yeeah… well, this sounds awesome. Our little cheeseburgers are going to love it.

(freeze. Josh holds up a sign that says “later, at another men’s meeting” scene shifts to DSav and Steve where all the guys used to be)

ACT 3

DSav: (talking verbosely about his gun again to steve)

Dre: Uh guys, men’s meeting is over, come join us in the other room.

Steve: Ok. (the walk over to the other guys) Hey David, do you know how to get out of this? (puts david in some ridiculous headlock-style hold)

Josh: Really guys?

(others leave)

FIN

Ah the triathlon, probably one of my favorite memories this year. First let me start by saying that this is probably the stupidest and most awesome thing ive ever signed up to do. (there have been tons of other stupidly awesome things ive done over the years but none i planned to do ahead of time.) Those of you who know me know that I am not Mr. athlete, not to say i am incredibly out of shape but i usually eat whatever i want and its rarely anything healthy. So when signed up for the tri i knew it was a big deal. I would have to train consistently in order to be ready for this. The tri is Swim, Bike, Run in that order: 400 meter swim, 20k bike and 5k run.

October 11th, day before the race. We left bright and early at 8am. The car ride was a riot but i wont go into detail as i have a feeling this is going to be one of the longest posts to date.
We rolled into town around 1130 and made our way to the rec center where the tri was to be held. So we (Kristen, Dre and I) got out and headed in for the meeting, while Lyd and Becca mysteriously disappeared. More on that later.

Anyway the meeting for new triathletes was quite informative. It seemed to last forever! But the time was broken up by random hilarious comments by the instructor/race referee, (he was wearing stripes). Things like "Ok people now that we've covered the swim i want to talk about 2 things. Glass, and Nudity" No explanation, just BOOM 2 completely random, and as it turns out completely unrelated things! After the eternal meeting ended we waited for Becca and Lyd to pick us up. Think reminiscent of grade school where you wait for you parents after school for hours and hours. Except it wasn't nearly that bad :)



Race Day!

We woke up bright and early at 6, Dre had to drag me out of bed but once up we made our way down to the girls room for some breakfast. We got to the site and racked out bikes and got ready for the swim. Now there were close to 600 people in this race so believe me when i say that the pool area was crowded! The race starts at 8 and your individual start time is based on how fast you swim the 400. My time was 8 mins 50 seconds which put me around 8:47 am.


We all lined up around 830, I passed the time praying, exchanging nervous glances with Kristen who for some bizzare reason was swimming later than me, and talking with the people next to me. So im chillin watchin the swimmers uhh swim, and i took a gander into the first lane, and what do I find? A Guy wearing a snorkel! I was like "Oh I'm sorry i must have crashed the scuba diving convention my bad!" But seriously people a snorkel!!!

In front of me was a 57 year old woman from Richmond and behind me was a fellow 19 year old guy from...uhh actually i have no idea where he was from... anyways he was really skinny and wearing Hawaiian flower trunks. Regardless i became quite engrossed in conversation with them.

So i turn around and am shocked to find its my turn to swim. I'll be completely honest my mind went completely blank in that moment. I think i said something stupid like "hi i'm number 397" As if the permanent markings on my arms and legs weren't clue enough! The girl responded with " you go on 30. And this, is what i thought...

"Huh, the clock says 8:47... thats exactly 17 minutes past 30 ... wait a second, whats that small number in the corner? Oh crap thats the second hand and its says 23, shooooooot 7 seconds left!" If you can imagine a dazed deer falling into a pond, thats exactly what I looked like as I sailed into the water. 3,2,1 breath! and i'm off!

Actually the swimming went decently. I mean 1) I didn't drown and 2) I didn't think i was drowning!!! As you may or may not know this whole triathlon mess started out so innocently with "fun" trips to the pool... unlike the triathlon neal came to the some of the pool trips. Drowning is the only way to describe out first attempts to swim laps....but thats another story that might be for another day. Back to the race!

After the first length i realized one thing. The estimated swim time i registered was much faster than I was actually swimming. Oops. The reason I had entered that time was not so much bravado as stupidity. My swim time was based on Kristen's swim time because i wasn't able to make the training session where we actually timed ourselves. and "you swim about the same pace as me".... uh hu now I should have realized that this simply wasn't true, she is a faster swimmer than me. Actually neal had already dubbed her "Michelle Phelps" because she would burn us in the already mentioned pool trips but i digress.

the point is i was being passed by other, better, faster swimmers. Which i was completely cool with until skinny white and flowery flew passed me. You will remember that he had 0% body fat had been in a pool "once or twice" and was wearing Hawaiian shorts. Is there no sense of justice in this world?!?!?!??? Anyway the good news is i finished seconds after snorkel boy who started 10 minutes before me! After jumping out of the pool i headed to transition one and my next great challenge, Unracking my bike.

So i got out ran around the building and found my stuff. I took me about minutes to put on my socks. they were inside out... and my feet were wet. regardless as i was gettin ready to head out i saw Kristen flying out of the pool area. literally flying. I waited a min or so for her since we all wanted to find each other during the bike ride and this made it easy :) For me the biking was the best part of the tri. It was almost all smooth sailing except for a mountain of a hill on winterfield road but that was easily conquered as well.

The Run
This is where it gets good! and bad ugh i'm not even sure.

During the run we were ambushed by Mom, Dad, Lyd and Becca all who had massive signs and were yelling encouragements to us :) it was awesome! Def my favorite part of the day. But before i say anymore you need to know that everyone had their race number written on their arms and thighs, and their age on the back of their calves. So during the run i watching all the people who i pass and who pass me. Keepin score ;) So at about the halfway point i see this old lady bookin it past me. So i look for her number and i swear it said 99.... ninety nine! I'm pretty sure that i read it wrong but still! I felt so lame, getting passed by an old woman is bad, but 99!!!

Besides getting passed by the oldest woman alive the rest of the run went relatively well. my favorite part and a personal triumph came at the end. I was jogging along next to a random girl and we were nearing the finish line. Well i don't know why, but the minute we turn the corner she decided to go Eric Little on me. She takes off like a rabbit with a fox chasing it, or rather like a chicken being chased by colonel sanders. either way i decided that there was NO way she was going to beat me. I pumped my arms and legs and sprinted with everything in me! I didn't just beat her, i destroyed her :D flying across the finish line! And it was all over! time for a nap :) :) :)

NIH

On monday, i had the distinct honor of traveling around the beltway in morning rush-hour traffic (read: NASCAR at slightly higher speeds) to go to one of my favorite places in the world, NIH. Many believe that NIH is a snazzy acronym for "National Institute of Health," but i am sure that is a mistake. My experiences have taught me that NIH stands for "Neal's Institute of Humor." Why do i say that? well here is a brief account of a recent experience i had there:

i was participating in a study studying something, but i have no idea what. anyway, they sat me down in a comfy chair, hooked up a little clip to my eyelid (at this point i started getting suspicious), and said: "if this hurts, please tells us."

oooooh shoot, perhaps i should have read the fine print on that 20 pg waver i signed.

well, i'm pretty tough kid, so i say: do your worst! ...and immediately regretted it. why? cuz they zapped me. i'm not kidding, they literally zapped my eyelid with electricity.

at first it wasn't too bad, and i said as much. he responded to my heroic display of manliness by promptly cranking up the voltage. when he zapped me again, i literally jumped out of my chair and may or may not have omitted a manly scream.

"did that hurt?"

"no not at all"

"ok, i'm going to zap you like that once ever 20 seconds for the next 15 minutes."

"ok i lied. that hurt like the dickens. turn it down."

...after 15 minutes of zapping, i was released and i high-tailed it for the door. unfortunately, NIH is enormous and i had no clue where i was and even more no clue where the front door was. after a couple of random turns (decided by playing eni, meani, miney, mo...) i ended up in the middle of a childrens hospital receiving a variety of curious stares from nurses, doctors, and dinosaur murals.

So, with memories of that lovely experience in mind, i went to bed last sunday, knowing my alarm clock was going to explode bright and early.

BANG*BANG*BANG*BANG (roughly the sound of my alarm at 5:45am)

"cccccripes! why.the.duece did i agree to this?"

after coming in third in the Grand Beltway NASCAR Cup (i lost to a mercedes and a cheater who used the HOV lane) i arrived at NIH.

"good morning sir, please drive down that road and park in the garage"
...
"ummm, sir, you drove down the wrong road"

"yeah...my bad, it's early."

after parking, i had to get on a shuttle. and i definitely cut in line in front of a really old lady. a total accident, but still probably the most ungentlemanly thing i've ever done.

after finally getting to where i was supposed to be, i had to fill out a questionnaire. a sampling of the questions:

"how tired is your right hand right now?"
my answer: well, i only worked out my left hand muscles at the gym last night, so i should be ok.
"are you feeling ambitions"
my answer: that's a stupid question.
"how much wood can a woodchuck chuck"
my answer: you have got to be kidding me.

they were then kind enough to teach me how to do the test that i would complete every morning for the whole week. i almost cried...it was the most boring thing i had ever done. i had to squeeze a little gizmo a bazillion times while sitting very still. and there was a wet sponge on my head which dripped water down the side of my face. the doctor would wipe the water off for me occasionally, and wow, did i feel like a baby--i'm sitting in high chair, i'm squeezing a stupid squeeze thing, i have a sponge on my head, and someone is wiping a mess off my face.

after i finished, i needed to go down to the main lobby and get a picture ID made. this lobby was big. there were chairs on one side, and the ID station was on the other side, and since the ID lady wasn't there yet, i sat down on one of the chairs. she then showed up, so i promptly walked across the big lobby:

click*clack*click*clack (the beating of my heart...haha jk, the sound of my footsteps echoing all over the lobby.)

"hi, i need an ID badge."
"hi, i need you to go sit down and wait for a minute."

click*clack*click*clack

(approaximently 3 seconds later) "ok sir, i'm ready, come on over"

click*clack*click*clack

"sir, please sit down and fill out this form"

click*clack*click*clack

"allrighty, i filled out your form."

"thank you"

*alkward*silence*

"well, do i get my badge now?"

"no, please sit down so i can take your picture"

click*clack*click*clack

"excuse me sir, that's the wrong chair, please sit in the chair next to my desk"

"cripes"

click*clack*click*clack

"smile for the camera"

"no"

"what?"

"i'm doing a jason bourne ID badge. no smiling"

"what??"

"long story."

...now, those of you who are exceptionally bright will recall that i took a shuttle from security to my testing building. after exiting the building (i may or may not have been skipping), i was faced with three shuttle bus options. after playing eni, meani, miney, mo again, i choose the first shuttle:

"no"
"what?"
"no, no, no"
"is this the shuttle?"
"no"
"but i'm pretty sure it is"
"no, no, no, no"
"but it said 'shuttle' on the side of it"
*awkward silence/angry stare*
"ok, i'm going to get of your shuttle"


after getting off the shuttle, i realized that it was indeed a shuttle...but it shuttled people to BWI airport. and i didn't particularly enjoy my last trip to BWI, so i was glad to have been "no, no, no-ed" off by the driver.

and my luck with shuttle number two wasn't much better. i was promptly shoo-ed off.
shuttle three got me to the gate.

yes, 'twas a lovely morning at NIH: Neal's Institute for Humor.

just wanted to share this with you. this was the taco bell sign at the intersection of munchaster mill rd and 124. the sign originally read "now hiring closers."
This is the sign after my modifications.


its amazing what a random mind and a sheet of blue construction paper can accomplish :)

so the good news first. its high time for a second post! oh boy! and now for the bad news which really isn't that bad. Nothing super awkward or unusually embarrassing has happened to me in the almost 2 weeks since the blog launched. so today i am forced to dredge up a random story. also i thought i would just put up some random funny stuff.

It all happened about a month ago...

it was a normal tuesday, and i set out for the mall (aka. a guys worst nightmare). i knew exactly what i wanted, a new pair of shoes, however i was almost sure i would get either:

A) lost
B) distracted and end up in the massaging chairs at brookstone
or C) park on the opposite end of the building from the store i wanted.

luckily for me none of these things happened! moreover i found exactly the shoe i wanted and the size i wanted immediately. now here comes the good part: as i was walking toward the register to pay, a catchy song came over the radio. i really don't remember what it was but i do remember it had a high harmony part.....uugh

naturally i started singing the high part absentmindedly and continued to do so loudly until i was about 10 feet from the cashier. not im not sure what made me snap out of it, but it might have had something to do with the bewildered look on the cashier's face. i realized it was time to do damage control so i walked up to him and said in an extraordinarily deep voice, "Sup man". He gave me the weirdest look, almost if he was trying to decide whether or not he had been hearing things. score! i was in the clear! so i quickly paid for my shoes and quickly left the store trying desperately not to burst out laughing.


let the randomness begin



Help us find steve!







just in case any of you haven't seen this.

hope you enjoyed these random moments :)